My husband is out walking the dog.
Common enough activity for most people, but it is a huge sign for me. He is frustrated, overwhelmed, overloaded. With me, with himself, with life in general.
Many times what starts out as a simple quest for information (for me, not him) can quickly turn into an aggravating attack (for him, not me).
Steve recently returned from our neighborhood association meeting. I tried to ask him several times about the meeting. Who had attended, what business was covered - things that, for me, were ordinary chitchat.
Unfortunately, Steve was now fiddling with our pellet stove that had refused to stay lit. He had wanted to fix it before the meeting but I wouldn’t let him start on it in case he would become sidetracked and be late for the meeting.
Since his mind was now engaged on the pellet stove, I should have left him alone instead of ‘intruding’ on his time and thoughts (his viewpoint). He hadn’t wanted to go to the meeting in the first place, he is quick to remind me. If I really wanted to know all these things, then I should have gone myself.
Suddenly he smashes the lid down on the stove, throws down his tools, and stomps out towards the front door. The dog knows instantly that a walk is about to commence and is hopping three feet straight up in the air by the door before he reaches it. Yes, she is an Ibezan. They do that.
As soon as the door slams shut I look out the window. Husband and dog are just a blur down the driveway. They will probably be back by sundown. Or not.
Steve does not like to be questioned about anything. He says that he finds it offensive. Yet he asks endless questions of everyone else and will not stop until he receives an answer that he understands. I find it best to use analogies that correlate to his work or hobbies. If I can draw a verbal picture from knowledge he already has he understands new information much more quickly.
Aspies can be distracted by unrelated mental pictures that are totally off track from the subject at hand. For example, ask an Aspie to walk across the room to fetch a book. Their mind stops at the word “across” and they picture a large wooden cross on a hill. Bibles often have crosses on them. Looking in the direction you are pointing to your ‘book’ they see no hill, no cross, no bible. The entire message ends up garbled. The Aspie does nothing because the entire request is nonsense to them.
Perhaps I will go to the next meeting myself. Slowly, but surely, I am learning.
My husband does not have an official diagnosis. But we do have several unspoken rules in our marriage. One is that no one ever HAS to do something they don't want to do. Both of us find the idea of somehow being forced or coerced into doing something unpleasant offensive. So we don't "make" each other do things. If I feel like their needs to be a representative at a neighborhood association then I will ask him if he desires to attend. The response to this kind of outing is almost always "not really" and then I go. Feelings may be hurt or disappointment may arise, but those are just feelings and gone as quickly as they come. We do the same with household chores. If I feel like he is doing a poor job at a particular chore, then I will announce that I am taking it over. It prevents a lot of pointless nagging and dissatisfaction. On the other hand, he thought I did a poor job at the laundry, so he does it. I am absolutely ecstatic, because I hate doing laundry.
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