Communication is a vital part of any relationship. Since Steve's diagnosis ten years ago, I have vowed to him that I would speak my desires plainly to him. I sincerely try to speak my thoughts clearly, though undoubtedly not as concisely as he would like, so that he doesn't have to try to 'guess' what I am 'hinting' about.
Reading facial expressions and body language, as well as deciphering hinted content, is extremely difficult for those with Asperger's Syndrome.
Therefore, when I gave my Hubby my marriage vows, 'for better or for worse', it was not just a passing thought.
I wonder just how much I can help along the 'til death do us part' portion?
I love this photo. Had I discovered it twenty-one years ago I would have had these cakes made for our wedding reception. It so aptly portrays our relationship.
Steve's single focus interest is cars. I too love cars. We had a car show here in town last weekend where I entered my 1946 Willys Flatfender CJ2A. It has a sweet little 289 tucked under the hood that purrs like a kitten. Or perhaps more like a tiger cub. Whichever, all I know is that when I step on the gas I can make the three mile trip into town in under sixty seconds. As long as our local police crew don't see me, that is.
As far as the communication goes, you'd think that if I make an effort to communicate precisely and directly, then The Hubster would do so also. Wrong! Witness the following texted conversation.
"Did I leave my lunch on the counter?"
I walk downstairs to the kitchen. Sure enough, Steve's red insulated lunch bag is sitting there.
"yep" I texted back.
"I was thinking about a belt for the lawn mower and a haircut."
"oh - did I hear you come back in the house before you left?"
"Yes, I forgot my keys."
"lol - forgetful day?"
No answer.
I was surprised later that afternoon when The Hubster didn't come home from work at his regular time. Even though I texted him several times to ask where he was, he did not respond. Finally, almost two hours after his normal arrival time, he pulled into the driveway as Manlet and I headed out to a baseball game.
"Where were you?" I called out my window.
"I told you!" yelled my Spouse.
"When did you tell me?" I inquired.
"When you were putting me down for forgetting my lunch!" shouts He.
Huh? Due to our time constraints, I didn't finish the conversation until later that night. Turns out Steve meant to text "I am going to stop for a lawn mower belt and a haircut after work."
That is NOT what he said.
I tried to explain that to him by reminding him that he had recently told me he was thinking about teaching a class for summer term.
"When you told me that you were thinking about teaching, did that mean you taught that very day after work?"
"Well, of course not!" snapped The Hubster. "How can I teach a summer class that hasn't started yet?"
"In both of these cases you simply told me what you were thinking about," I responded.
"But I needed a belt and a haircut," protests Hubby. "I didn't need to teach last week!"
*Sigh*
I think we are both much happier wandering around a car show together. I'll have to look for one this weekend, maybe even send Steve on his own, lol. I'm going to a baseball tournament!
My Mom had Alzheimer's, and passed this week. It really is a blessing, she has suffered for a very long time. I have 5 siblings, and we need to share the cost of the final arrangements. Dear suspected Aspie Hubby, wants to control how this is taken care of, although an older sibling made arrangements. How do I explain to him, some do not have the ability to pay, and those more fortunate should help out more. Money/numbers are my hubby's focus outside of work. This is so difficult. Til death do us part- your experience and wisdom are always appreciated. Blessings!
ReplyDeletei am so sorry for your loss, regardless of the blessing - losing a parent is difficult - dealing with an aspergian viewpoint doesn't always help...
Deletethank you for sharing...
I am one of six siblings and when my step father died (married to my mother for 30 years) my Aspie husband couldnt work out why i had to go home for the funeral (next state) because he said my mother had plenty of others to help her and i would be just one of the crowd. I had to put the foot down and just go.
DeleteWhen my mother passed nearly 30 years ago, my then (AS) husuband's mother was with us and she was there for me. Even tho my husband and I later divorced, we were reunited by his mother's efforts. I did not know anything about AS back when my mother passed. He does not understand why, but told me that he feels bac that he was not "there for me" during my grief over my mother's death as he should have been. He also told me he felt bad that he did not know how to "be a father" to my two children during our marriage. My children are grown with children of thier own now. And they are glad that Steve and I have found each other again. It still isn't easy (nearly 20 years later), but I am aware of AS and have done much research on AS. It is a major positive that he can look back an see some of the problems in our marriage were things had been something he wished he could have done differently. I was "there for him" when he lost his brother back then, and he knows I will be by his side when he needs me (his parents are elderly and his father has serious medical issues). It is good that he is aware of how important that is. You did the right thing, of course, and perhaps that will help your husband to see what was not clear to his Aspie thought processing at the time.
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