This sign pretty much says it all.
So many times I am upset at situations of my own making or design. Things that I purposely allow to bother me.
Unmet expectations.
The need to be 'correct'.
Stubbornness.
Lack of knowledge or understanding of Asperger or Autistic behaviors.
Judgement of my life in comparison to NT couples' marriages.
*Sigh*
I try to snap out of it by going online to read blogs and posts by others dealing with their own Aspergian traits, or those of family members and loved ones.
The key, I think, is 'love'.
I never expected adult behaviors from my toddler children. I did try to teach them by example, as well as verbal instructions. We practiced new situations. We role played challenges and problems. We rehearsed and giggled and laughed.
Strange as it may seem to regular NT adults, these same methods often need to be used with my husband. Sometimes even over, and over, and over again.
I see in various discussion groups and blogs the annoyance, frustration, and even anger at the necessity of this basic truth in our NT/Aspie lives.
It is so very true that there are moments when I don't 'feel' the love. Doesn't matter. I married for better or worse. I just had no concept at how much 'worse' it could get at times.
I would not tolerate physical abuse of myself or my kids, but I'm reminded that there are times when what I consider to be 'verbal abuse' is nothing more than semi-typical Aspie blunt/rude/blurt/bark.
I can choose to ignore it. I can go for a walk, put music on with headphones, go out to run errands, distance myself from the tirade. I can choose to not participate.
No, I don't always laugh. No, I don't always apologize immediately. And no, recognizing those things in our lives that I can't change doesn't always dawn on me at the moment.
My life is what it is. I am very thankful for all of you out there who are sharing in this strange and ever evolving journey with me.
You are much appreciated!
As are you, appreciated that is. Don't forget you are human too. No one trained us for this life though i think my upbringing was as close as you could get. Your biggest achievement is that you have hung in there, through the good and bad and still seem like a sane person. You haven't walked away when a great percentage of NT wives do. You are continuing to give love and hopefully, receive enough in return to make it worthwhile. These are our families, for better or worse.
ReplyDeleteah ha! i think you pin pointed the epicenter our relationship - i've gotten to the place where i DON"T expect anything returned for what i've given - if i only give to our relationship to what i've received, or walk around waiting for reciprocal effort/love/support, then the love i give isn't really a gift, is it?
DeleteI guess not but it sure helps to get a little back sometimes. I started walking up to my mountain of a son and just asking for a hug. He seems to have connected this now with pleasing me and so he now does this ad hoc anywhere, anytime. Sometimes several times a day. It certainly has helped our relationship, this physical connection, and it all started with a decision that no matter how i am feeling, i am going to hug him. I find it much harder to do to my husband because i am human and he hurts me emotionally. Im trying......
Deletereminds me of our first foreign exchange student & how we weren't very well prepared for her cultural differences - for our first dinner after she arrived from japan i had whipped up a quick meal as i had just gotten home from work - slapped everything down on the table, we all sat down (she hesitantly in the only empty chair), prayed & dug in - she took a tiny spoon full of each food, ate half of what she had, then sat and waited - i offered her more but she declined - we all jumped up, grabbing our empty plates & partially full serving dishes - stuffed the dishwasher & fridge - some i emptied into the dogs dish on the back porch - the student quietly disappeared without helping which i chose to ignore - later i heard her sobbing in her room - the next day her exchange coordinator called me - she told me that the girl was deeply hurt that i sat at the table (her mom didn't sit with guests), that i didn't offer her more food again (first offer is refused in case hostess doesn't really have enough), and that i fed good food to the dogs when she was still hungry - i was horrified that i had been so misunderstood - we learned how different our actions were interpreted from our intent...
DeleteThanks for sharing that story. I get it....
ReplyDeleteYou deserve Sooo much better. Men would not and do not pur up with this.
ReplyDeletewe all have our foibles
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