Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Baaaahh Humbug

When I ask other Aspie spouses how their loved one deals with the holiday season, they usually burst out laughing.
Deal with the holidays? What holidays?” and off they go, riding on another gale of laughter.
I’ve found a new web site. 
Families of Adults Affected by Asperger's Syndrome

Right there on their home page it says:

"Individuals with this syndrome have difficulty with social aspects of intelligence, such as understanding what those around them think and feel. As a result, they often behave inappropriately in social situations or act in ways that appear unkind or callous. Many Asperger's individuals have difficulty planning and coping with change despite average or even exceptional intelligence in academic or intellectual areas. This can manifest as a notable lack of "common sense." Most importantly, this disability has profound effects on the family members and others in close contact with the Asperger's person. It is the spouses, parents, siblings, and children, of those with Asperger's Syndrome that experience the emotional pain, especially when the correct diagnosis has been delayed until relatively late in adulthood. Family members need validation and support. Feelings of rejection and loneliness play a major role in the lives of the family members of individuals with Asperger's Syndrome. Their feelings are not validated, acknowledged, or recognized by the person with this disability."
Wow. Whoever wrote this knows my hubby. And me!
What makes our life harder is the Hubster’s extended family who steadfastly refuse to acknowledge or accept his (now) eight diagnoses from eight completely different doctors. He has not seen one single doctor that has thought his symptoms were indicative of anything else. 
Steve's relatives' wanton  disregard for his condition, along with their stubborn and callous disregard for his struggle to accept himself and his syndrome, are hard for me to comprehend when they insist that they love him.
Say what? If Steve had diabetes, cystic fibrosis, or epilepsy would his family deny his condition? Would they insist on feeding him sugar, demand that he train for triathlons or ignore a seizure? I, as Steve’s cherished wife and helpmate of twenty years, struggle to cope with and understand Steve’s lack of social skills and common sense. Steve’s family says that they would welcome him for the holidays, but not me nor our children. They deny the existence of Steve’s very nature. Which hurts him to the core of his heart.
Holidays. Family. Validation. Rejection. All hard things to deal with, as are in-laws who choose to be ‘out’-laws. Out of touch, out of reach, out of bounds, out of our lives.
Thank you Lord that Steve and I have each other, as well as our kids, kid-in-law and  grandkid. Thank; you Lord that we can celebrate our holidays in a way to honor Him whom Christmas was named for. I am grateful for our own family traditions and love.
Thank you, dear Readers, for ‘listening’. I am truly thankful for you.
As for the holidays, well - I shall try to spend a lot of time "ho ho ho"-ing!


  1. OMG Their attitude is unbelievable. A diagnosis is exactly that and when it has been repeated many times, where is their head at? Do you think that by admitting that something is different about Steve it implies that there is something wrong with them and so they dont deal with it but ignore it. He is so lucky to have you, You are my role model for being a Aspie wife. On a personal note, my Aspie husband just lost his job this week, again. So I am dealing with his depression whilst jumping on the merry-go-round of intervies and rejections for the next few months (i hope thats all it takes). Aspie son? Well after coming after me with a carving knife a few weeks ago, he is no on mediation and seems to be doing ok. School finishes in a few weeks and therefore his major stressor will be gone for six weeks. Cant wait - but now I have to work out how to handle being sole income earner over Christmas period without the two of them falling apart. Its not the first time its happened, so I know that we will cope. Problem is that its hard to motivate him as he quite likes not working. Doesnt mean he's going to take over the housework, shopping or cooking etc. He just sleeps in and potters around the internet looking for things to buy and being resentful he cant have what he wants. That of course, is my fault. Today is last day of spring and it is 102F. Its going to be a long hot summer.

    1. maybe by admitting their son has aspergers they might have to face the fact that other family members also are aspies - so sorry about your hubby's job - so hard at holiday time - hope your son settles in too - wishing you a peace- filled home for the holidays! take good care of yourself, my dear...

  2. We have the same thing on both sides of our family. My husband and son both have Aspergers and no one wants to believe it or talk about it. "He seems fine. There's nothing wrong with him" Incredible! The manual for how to understand us is literally out there in thousands of versions and they refuse to even open the cover.

    Conclusion: they are not capable. they probably won't be capable until we can shift our view point from "what's wrong" to what's different. truly we are not wrong we just relate differently to the world. And we need people in our lives who can understand that.

    So putting this in my next blog entry!

    1. lol - ahhh, so good to hear we aren't alone! i'm checking out your blog right now - thx!!!