Wednesday, March 19, 2014


This is a never ending discussion in our home. Inquiring minds what to know, but I often grow weary of trying to explain things on a continuous basis.

 “Why do I have to put things back where you want them?”

“Why are you always criticizing me?”

“Why are you always putting me down?”

“Why do you always have to control everything?”

“Why can’t I ask questions?”

“Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?”

Yes, it becomes tiresome.

Tomorrow is our twenty-first anniversary. I am not feeling well, so I told my hubby that we aren’t going to ‘celebrate’ tomorrow as I probably won’t enjoy it. I have shingles, am lethargic, ache all over, itch in many areas, am nauseous and have no appetite.

I wonder if I can continue this final symptom on a regular basis.

Over the last twenty some years Steve seems incapable of remembering where things go in our home. He will take an item out, and then return it to a totally different place, if not a totally different room. The reason I ask him to put it back where it had been is so the rest of us can find it.

According to Steve, it shouldn’t matter. "My god, who cares, what does it matter?"

As far as ‘criticizing’, I simply ask that he not wear a red plaid shirt with green slacks. I try to form my ‘opinion’ as a suggestion, and offer an different shirt if possible. “Sweetie, you might want to wear this with those slacks. The total effect of your outfit would be more pleasing overall.”

To which I will receive a reply along the lines of “But EVERYBODY puts red and green together for Christmas!” This spoken by The Hubster on the third of March.

As to the putting down of said spouse, I merely ask him to stop trying to guess whether or not I want action on his behalf. If I wonder out loud about the weather for our son’s baseball game, Steve will jump up and ask if I want him to put raincoat / umbrella / sunscreen / sunglasses / parka /gloves / cap / blankets / binoculars / coffee thermos / ice chest into my car for me.

“Ummm, no Sweetie. I was just going to check my weather app for projected conditions over the next few hours. I was just thinking out loud. I wasn’t asking you to do anything.”

Responds He, “Well, I can’t tell if you were hinting something or not. You said that I am supposed to ask if I don’t understand!”

“But Steve, ever since I realized that you had Asperger’s Syndrome, I’ve told you that I would NOT hint anything. I said that I would just ask you straight out. I’ve said this almost every day to you for the last ten years!”

“Well, I don’t understand! I've read that women always hint and that men don’t understand!” His vocalized frustration is apparent.

“Sweetheart, I promise you that I will not hint to you. Scout’s honor.”

Now Steve is truly agitated. “You aren’t a Scout!” he thunders. “Why are you lying? You are trying to control me! You won’t let me ask questions!”


The interstate question is actually mine. I have wondered how a state that is completely isolated by water from every other state in the union can have ‘interstate’ highways. Wouldn’t they be ‘intra-state’?

And why is Honolulu misspelled on the Hawaiian Interstate Highway map?

Now THAT is a good question, lol.


  1. Thanks for the chuckle. I am recently diagnosed ASP and needed the laugh. I am the one who finds my cellphone in the refrigerator. Once I had become convinced some one had stole a complete set of pans until a couple of weeks later I found them in the linen closet. I can understand your frustration. I mean to put things back but on the way to do so I see something shiny......

    1. lol - how well i know that 'distracted' energy - when steve needs to stay on task & on time, i often try to stay nearby to 'redirect' his focus - it can be a delicate balance to help without controlling, which upsets him...i read a great biography about charles kettering years ago - they described his wife as the person who reminded him to eat, and made sure he didn't show up at work in a sports coat over pajamas... i sure understand that!

  2. Im finding the latest thing is that Hubby cant be interrupted speaking or he loses his thought and then he gets angry. Im not interrupting (god forbid) but peripheral noise like a dog, fridge closing, the neighbours lawn mower etc. I try to explain that we use a lawnmower too and dont ask the neighbours if its ok. "Why are you defending everyone all the time, you are suppose to support me". Yes, my job is to find things for both of them. When i leave in the morning, i leave the place tidy and then when i get home 8 hrs later, it straight back to tidying so it resembles a house.

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling so tired and glum. Its hard to deal with both my Aspie's when i am ill but they dont acknowledge that i am. They will actually get me out of my sick bed to find something, or make something or go shopping for something because they need it, now!!!

    It was my 50th yesterday and when i came home he launched into a 2 hr monologue about how bad his job is (telling so much detail) and i was a bitch for not telling him to quit. I should not want my husband to work in such a place, apparently and i should say the words "OK hon, go in tomorrow and quit".

    Im going to a three day workshop during work hours next week that is by Autism Australia to learn all about Positive Behavior. Maybe they should be doing it, not me.

  3. welcome to the best decade of life! i'm on my last year here & will definitely miss being in my 50's next year...

    how is it that our aspies want us to tell them what to do, then complain that we are controlling?

    enjoy your time away next week - and hire a housekeeper for the day you get back! (belated bday gift to yourself)

    1. Oh i wont be going anywhere. Ill still be getting up at 4.30 to get his breakfast and make lunch each day (if he still has a job) . Then ill be driving to course, staying till 2.30 then making my way to work for about 1.5 hrs then home to cook and clean. Nope, not going anywhere except - on 30th my sister and i (birthday present) are flying to Hobart Tasmania for a day. A big one but we are going somewhere. At 57 its her first plane flight and she is very nervous. This is her way (on limited funds) of giving me the trip i wanted for my birthday. I love love love my sister.

    2. sorry love - but still, an airplane trip is an airplane trip! enjoy...