I can do this.
I will survive.
This won’t/can’t last
forever.
My husband is driving me
crazy.
One way ticket to
Tahiti, please.
I have absolutely no idea what is going on with Steve,
but the lack of understanding, miscommunication and self-absorption over the
last month is indescribable.
Temple Grandin often refers to theory of mind and mind-blindness
in her speeches and her writing. Autism Speaks also discusses this:
Theory of Mind can be summed up as a person’s inability
to understand and identify the thoughts, feelings and intentions of others. Individuals
with Asperger Syndrome/HFA can encounter difficulty recognizing and processing the
feelings of others, which is sometimes referred to as “mind-blindness”. As a result of
this mind-blindness, people with AS may not realize if another person’s behaviors are
intentional or unintentional.
This challenge often leads others to believe that the
individual with AS does not show
empathy or
understand them, which can create great difficulty in social situations.
Another source describes mind-blindness as thus:
Mind-Blindness can be described as a
cognitive disorder where an individual is unable to attribute mental states to self and others. As a result of this disorder the individual is unaware of
others' mental states. The individual is also not capable of attributing
beliefs and desires to others. This ability to develop a mental awareness of what is in
the mind of an individual is known as the Theory of Mind (ToM). This allows one
to attribute our behavior and actions to various mental states such as emotions
and intentions. Mind-blindness is associated with… Aspergers Syndrome… (those
who) … tend to show deficits in social insight.
Difficulty explaining behaviors, understanding emotions,
predicting behaviors of others, emotions of others or perspectives of others.
Lack of understanding ones own behavioral impact on others. Problems with joint
attention, social conventions, differentiating fact from fiction.
Whooh! This nails it. This is exactly what is going on. So
it’s not necessarily intentional.
However, Steve is an intelligent man, so it seems he has
the ability to stop and calm himself if he wishes. Lately he refuses. Or
perhaps he can’t.
I honestly don’t know.
*Sigh*
(((hugs))) hard doesn't cover it, I hope you survive this, him not so much :( Too much harm and arrogance.
ReplyDeleteoh marie, thank you! i really needed hugs... and more coffee, lol
DeleteOh Lordy, its more than catching. Last night i had to call the police because my son was out of control and fought my hubby and subsequently threw something through the front window. Its the first time ive involved the police. Afterwards my Hubby and i were both sitting crying, bawling and he just merrily played his game. He could not connect his actions with our emotional response. Later he asked Dad to play games with him and could he pick him up a bottle of drink while he was out. Things are out of control at the moment with both of them and i am hoping that the people they are referring us too will help. It was very scary and im living in a lunatic asylum. Time to go back on meds i think, for me. I feel your pain. Hubby cannot connect my emotional response to his behavior and how it affects my ability to be physical with him. He just doesnt get it, mind blindness.
ReplyDeleteokay - passing (((hugs))) on to you!
DeleteThe hardest thing for me is when my husband discounts my emotions as irrational because he cannot contain them in his head. Before he was diagnosed he would insist that he was right and that I was crazy. Kinda did make me crazy... :D
ReplyDeleteSince his diagnosis, his great therapist has helped him understand that I have emotions even if he can't understand them or think that they are a reasonable response to the situation. If I'm mad at him, I have a reason to be mad even if he disagrees with it. So now he asks me what he should do about it -- and my job is to know what I really want him to do about it and tell him (the knowing is the harder part). It doesn't always work, but not having my feelings thrown out the window is a great start.
oh how i hear that! i do try to be exact in explaining my feelings but it can be so hard to then be told "my god, who cares, what does it matter" or "that's ridicules" - feelings are neither right nor wrong - they just 'are', and apparently that's what is confusing to those with aspergers...
DeleteMy husband has the same reactions discussed in the comments. When I've shared my feelings, he tells me I'm "being unreasonable" With counseling he's just starting to understand that other people have feelings too. For the first 10 years we were married, I was treated sort of as an object. As if I was just around to "play house" and keep having kids.
ReplyDeletehow frustrating that is! because of my hubby's high intelligence i would doubt myself - now i just ask to be respected and listened to - he doesn't need to understand per say - he doesn't have to fully understand the physics of gravity to accept it's existance...
DeleteSometimes during times of stress, coping abilities and communication abilities may change. For instance if Steve is going through a period of more stress outside of the home, he may have less ability to cope with situations at home. Sometimes, as an adult on the spectrum, I can have less insight and higher frustration during periods of stress. I doubt it is intentional as most people I have met on the spectrum, including myself are very rule oriented and would rarely or never deliberately try to upset someone.
ReplyDeletethank you so much for sharing your perspective... you are right; there are so many variables...
Deleteprayers and hugs, I understand so well, I don't know anything else that works. :)
ReplyDeletethank you... *sigh*
Delete