Over my birthday weekend, I realized anew how blessed I am to have so many best friends in my life. My husband, my kids, and my girlfriends; truly blessed am I. We talk nearly every day. We see each other constantly. We love unconditionally. We help, support, listen to and pray for each other. Gosh, I’m tearing up!
So it makes me sad when I asked my dear hubby who his best friends are. He has to pause and think. He doesn’t even list me. He does name a guy he went to college with twenty-five years ago and sees once every year or two, and a guy who hauls junk that he doesn’t even know his last name or where he lives.
In October 2003 Simon Baron-Cohen and Sally Wheelwright published a study they did through questionnaire on Aspie friendships.
Not surprising to me was how many Aspie men don’t know what a real friendship is, nor have close friends. Granted, I believe that men and women, Aspie or not, will score completely different on this test. But it seems like a good place to start a discussion.
In another published study on “Adolescents with Asperger Syndrome and Perceptions of Friendship” by Suzanne Carrington, Elizabeth Templeton, and Tracey Papinczak, we see that the (teenage) participants of the study overwhelmingly have problems with even the simple defining points of perceiving what friendship is.
We have all heard sayings such as “To have a friend you must be a friend” and “A friend in need is a friend indeed”. To Steve these are nothing but annoying platitudes. He simply doesn’t understand.
I can only show him by my actions and words what true friendship is. Granted, some days are harder than others, but I am making headway.
Perhaps one day soon, when I ask him who his best friends are he will immediately name me and our kids without having to think too hard.
Living in the land of Pooh isn’t for sissies!
It's probably situational. I have tons of friends. Although, I tend to make new ones and move on every two years or so...my best friend noticed that...but we have been "besties" for 7 years now and talk about two hours a day. She is a very normal NT. Very normal so it's interesting. We teach each other a lot. But she has always remarked on how many friends I have ( and good ones) at a time...long time ones too. So perhaps it is different for each person? Maybe gals versus guys... or depending on the severity on the scale...because there is a scale. Each Aspie is unique as each NT but share some general commonalities. I would say that friendships very probably depending on the personality of the person. My hubby is an NT and he only has one close friend and is always amazed at my deep friendships. Although the initial making friends in grocery lines or such- the "niceties" of casual conversation- he rocks at and I suck and HATE those things. So it depends:) I love how much you are trying to understand your hunny. It is very sweet. I have had MANY years in therapy for understanding, plus I own the syndrome, so if you have questions feel free to email as I may have the communication tools to give more perspective from counselling and experience:)
ReplyDeletei'm sure it's situational and gender driven to some degree or other - i know several teenage boys with aspergers and they are very extroverted whereas my hubby is very introverted - simply different personalities - what's troubling is many aspies' general inability to accurately recognize real friends, thus opening themselves up to bullying and hurt...
Deletebtw, everyone in line at the grocery store is a best friend of mine - lol
I am a mother, wife, and i have aspergers, and so does my son..Friendship to him is when he sits next to someone at the lunch table he has never met, and might think that person is a friend.He is now realizing that is not the case, but I think that is a great way to perceive life..Just think about it, I did not have alot of friends growing up, but if I though of friendship like my son does, i would had not had a problem making friends...I love how his mind thinks..you are a very patient woman, I think I need to go tell my hubby he is too..he does not get enough credit...your blog is great. visit my blog sometime surroundedbyautism.blogspot.com
ReplyDeletethank you so much for sharing! i have added your blog to my site links below - i so appreciate your comments and your willingness to help me learn - i love your blog on obstacles - those are issues my hubby struggles with day in and day out...
DeleteI always struggled with friendship. I would meet somebody new at church and end up talking about my interests and if they listened, they were my new friend! And then I would try to get their info, and if I succeeded, I would try to make time to hang out with them, and if we did, it seemed to always be a matter of time before they'd start avoiding me. Happened over and over again until I thought there must be something wrong with me. Or maybe people just don't appreciate the Aspie effort to connect. Whatever it was, I stopped trying to connect because it never worked. I finally managed to get a couple sort-of friends but I was too guarded to share much anymore, and then as we were starting to get close I moved halfway across the country to college.
ReplyDeleteMy best friends are people I met on internet writing forums because I'm so much better at communicating with written words. In fact, I'm engaged to one of them now. :D So my search for friendship hasn't been totally fruitless.
that is so awesome, matthew! thank you for sharing, and may God's richest blessing be with you and your fiance!! she may be all you need...
DeleteIf you want him to list you as a friend, you have to explicitly tell him. He probably thinks that when you ask who his friends are, you are referring to non-family members. The word "friendship" is often used specifically to refer to people with whom one is not romantically involved. (as in "let's just be friends") He probably thinks that is what the word always means.Remember an Aspie's tendency to take words in one sense and not realize you are meaning something different.
ReplyDeleteThis is just a language question; don't let your feelings be hurt. He's only going to list you and your kids if he realizes the word "friendship" can legitimately refer to family.
If you want him to list you as a friend, tell him. Tell him the relationship between married spouses is a real friendship and tell him that is what you have.
Tell him the marriage researcher Dr John Gottman refers to the FRIENDSHIP between a married couple, and says the friendship is five times as important as the physical part of a married couple's relationship.
thank you for your input - since steve prefers to be alone, he can't really claim any friendships at all, which i do find sad...
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