Friday, October 12, 2012

It’s a Trap!

Dealing with parents when you are an adult yourself, and have been for many years, can be challenging, insightful, confusing, thought-provoking, and just plain frustrating.
Many parents of Aspies don’t want their ‘kid’ to grow up. They want the Aspie to ‘obey’ their dictates. There are parents who refuse to acknowledge the mature adult Aspie as a separate individual who has developed his or her own interests, activities, family and life. Please let your adult 'child' get on with his or her own life.
As we get ready to celebrate a wedding tomorrow, I reflect on the Old Testament passage: “[marriage] is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 NIV

And what is a wife to be? "A wife of noble worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence i her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."  Proverbs 31:10-12 NIV
Nowhere can I find any references that say parents are to be anything but loving and supportive to the newlyweds. Any teaching by the parent of their adult ‘child’ should already have occurred.
Growing up is a natural part of life. A parent’s real job of child rearing is to train the child how to not need his or her parents any more. If your kid is an adult, your job is over. Done. Completed.
Reading through blogs by and for parents of Aspies, I am amazed at how many aren’t doing their ‘job’ because their child has Aspergers Syndrome. Aspies are smart. They are capable of adjusting their behaviors and habits if they wish to interact with other people on a regular basis. Parents need to accept the fact that the grown Aspie may not want to involve others in their lives, except for possibly a spouse. There are Aspie groups around the world that have in-person and online meetings, discussions and chats on how to get along in life with or without others in their lives.
Parents, I beg you to allow your Aspie child to grow up. Help them become independent. You don’t need to run their life for them. Teach them, don’t do it for them. Let your kid come to you when they want input from you. Practice self-control when you are itching to offer unsolicited advice. 
After all, a big part of learning is experience. Just as a child can’t learn to walk on their own without falling, an Aspie can’t learn to deal on his or her own if their parent is always at their shoulder directing their life.
Mom & Dad, Mother-in-law & Father-in-law, hands off the new formed family. Your job is done. Smile and be supportive. If you can’t do that, at least be polite. But keep your doggone mouths shut. The bride/ groom have left your house to go make their own home. Give them the best gift on earth - let them!
To me, this is not a laughing matter.

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