YOU Have Aspergers!

Nearly every morning since I started this blog last February, I check for emails, messages and comments relating to my marriage to a man with Aspergers Syndrome. I have published every comment that I have received, though I do screen them for offensive or abusive language.

All of us have our own perspective on life, granted. But this morning I was surprised to read the following comment on my very first post Coffee and Bagels.

"Anonymous October 21, 2012 8:50 PM 
no offence but you sound like you have aspergers. Stop making your husband into a joke and grab a mirror"

After sitting back and contemplating this comment for a while, my response was thus:

"October 22, 2012 6:19 AM 
lol - now THAT is a different perspective! thank you for sharing your opinion - i assume you are also a woman married to a man with aspergers - if you don't mind, please email me your blog link so i can read about how you honor your husband - i love to learn! my husband reads all of my posts & occasionally has me correct something from his viewpoint - otherwise, he loves my blogs! no joke..."

I then began to “look in the mirror”.

I first went to the Simon Baron-Cohen test  link above. I carefully read & answered each question. My test score came back at 10, though I had scored 9 a few years ago. I enjoy interacting with other people. I do not prefer to be alone. I love jokes, puns and quick wit. I do directions/maps well, and have a knack with numbers (birth dates, phone numbers, & number patterns), but have to work hard at advanced math. I have many, many interests and my creative bents range from hand crafts to writing to tile setting to car painting. I would be hard pressed to pick a single interest. Granted, I do have ADD and can find it difficult to sit still, but I am never depressed or suffer anxiety.

I then went to LearningRX and took their test. Hmmmm. Definitely not even in the low Asperger range.

Next I hopped over to the Mayo Clinic's diagnosis and reread through their list of Aspie traits, which I’ve condensed a bit:

Has no significant language delays but has a lack of eye to eye contact. Has unusual body posture or social expressions, has difficulty making friends and has a preoccupation with one subject. Usually has no interest in interactive play/contact with others, and has an inflexible attitude toward change.

Okay doke, not me. Next stop was Asperger-Advice.com’s definition of Aspergers Syndrome.

“It’s a lifelong condition without cure or treatment but because adults have a good understanding of their strengths and weaknesses they can develop coping skills. There are programs which offer social trainings to improve social skills and learn how to read social cues. Many adults lead a fulfilling life professionally as well as personally. Most adults with adult Asperger Syndrome marry and have children. Read more on what it means to have Aspergers yourself: got to the site of Kate Goldfield for a crash course on how to accept your Aspergers!”

Again, not me. At PsychCentral  Marie Hartwell-Walker discusses Adult Asperger's: The Relief of A Diagnosis     

“Having the diagnosis has also saved more than a few marriages. Now that the kids are grown, Judy was ready to separate from her husband of 27 years when she first came to therapy.

‘If Al and Tipper Gore could [divorce] after 40 years of marriage, [says Judy] I figured I could manage it too. I don’t know what their problems were but I was just exhausted. I felt like I’d been single-parenting our two kids forever. Actually, I felt like I had three kids. Most of my friends couldn’t figure out what I saw in a guy who could only talk about one thing and who would rudely disappear in the middle of a social evening. He never seemed to be able to understand any of our feelings. Our finances were always a mess because he would lose track of bills. Yes, he was really sweet to me in our private life and he’s always been great about doing things like building the kids a tree house — that was really, really cool. But it became harder and harder to see that as a fair exchange for all the times I had to smooth things over because of something he did or didn’t do that bothered someone.

'Then my daughter emailed me an article about Aspergers. It changed everything. I realized he wasn’t deliberately making life so hard. He couldn’t help it. As soon as he took an Aspie quiz online, he saw it was true. He does love us. He didn’t want the family to fall apart. He went right out and found a therapist who works with adults with Aspergers. He’s far from perfect but he’s honestly trying. He’s even apologized to the kids for not being more involved while they were growing up. I can’t ask for more than that.’”

All of this being said and done, I sincerely hope that you, my readers, will understand and appreciate my blog as I, a neurotypical wife of a man with Aspergers, try to share some of our experiences in dealing with a ‘different’ lifestyle. The subjects in this blog are happy, sad, frustrating, joyous, challenging, rewarding, and (most of all) lovingly shared so that others may find hope in building and maintaining a strong marriage, and to give all of you in similar situations a chance to laugh.

 

Not laugh at my husband, just laugh with me as I navigate through our non-typical, Aspie spiced life.

Which is absolutely, positively not a joke!