Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Never Too Late

Hurray! We did it! The Hubster and I were married twenty years ago today, which is also the first day of spring.

New beginnings all the way around. The weather prediction for the Seattle area is for snow tonight. Not exactly spring weather. Our ‘big’ celebration was to have a lovely salmon dinner with Kidlet in front of a screwball comedy on the tube after baseball was over for the day.
Woo hoo! Just kidding. But it was comfy and warm and home, our home.
In all sincerity, I am very proud of our accomplishment. Steve stepped into a ready-made family that included a teenage boy and a preteen girl. Considering he had been chosen least likely to marry in high school, I think I chose, I mean, he chose well. Our kids adore him, and most of the time I do too.
Yesterday I had an interesting comment on Turn the Tables that really got me thinking. 'Anonymous' said in part: 

“He promises he will change- reading your post makes me worry that nothing will ever change- that I will always be alone and isolated if I stay with him. I do love him, but he can't seem to love me back. I suppose I just want to ask- is it worth it. Looking back over all those days and years- is loving someone that is distant and in their own head worth it? Have you been happy?”
My response was:
“*sigh* this is tough - aspergers in my experience is basically a lack of emotional growth and social skills - both necessary ingredients in a good marriage - there are days i'm so frustrated that i could scream & many other days i absolutely adore my hubby - after twenty years of marriage i guess i keep coming down to the fact that i said "i do" for best or worse... if steve had some sort of debilitating accident that rendered him incapable of speech or movement, i wouldn’t dream of leaving him – if you get right down to it, we all have to ‘make’ our own happiness & we all ‘speak’ our own love language – there is nothing wrong with saying “i don’t feel like you love me – can you give me more hugs/kisses/cuddles” – not all apsies can deal with close physical contact all the time so maybe an act of love could be him sending you texts or emails saying ‘i love you’ could make you feel more connected – there are tons of times my hubby prefers to be alone, which is fine with me as I have so many of my own interests to pursue (reading, writing, crafts, visiting my own friends & kids) – we have a lot of shared interests too (including his focal interest of cars) which usually makes him happy which makes me happy – i would never cast out one of my children because they were being teenagers, whoops, I mean not acting loving towards me – same with the hubster – sure, it’s been a lot of work, but hey, most things that are worthwhile to me are – I encourage you to read all you can about aspergers syndrome, sharing these doubts with your spouse, spend time regularly in meditation or prayer, and find a good friend or an nt/aspie group to ‘vent’ – it works wonders for your own peace of mind! who knows, he may feel as confused as you right now, lol...”
If I was sent back in time to the 19th of March 1993, with all of the knowledge I have now, I would still have to say “I do"!
Yes, I would do it again. There have been rough patches to be sure, but with Kidlet added to our family fourteen years ago, and my Hubby’s relationship to his ‘ready-made kids’, I can’t imagine my life turning out any other way than what it has.
So, Dear Readers, am I happy? YES! Is it because I choose to be? Of course. Is it because of faith? Definitely. Is it due in part to Steve’s idiosyncrasies? Very possibly. But all in all, I am happy, I am loved (hey, he remembered to get me an anniversary card this year and it says so!), and I have made a ton of new friends from around the world due to this blog.
Happy anniversary to us! I am thankful Steve has put up with me, lol...


  1. Happy Aniversary to both of you. 20 Years! I know, all that you have said is true for me also. Our 20th is in October this year. Yes, it is a choice and one i am thankful that i choose each day. Blessings from Lynda.

  2. Really relate to your last line. It's so easy to focus on our Asperger partner's shortcomings because they're so obvious. Actually, Ethan puts up with a lot from me - I just manage to hide my faults, most of the time, from other people and let rip with them at home! Ethan doesn't have this 'skill' of being able to switch into a different person in different environments and with different people. Many would say that's a good quality! Happy anniversary. x

    1. boy, i hear you! thanks so much - i'm looking forward to the next twenty years...