Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Nothing Left

Ei yi yi yi! How frustrating my marriage can be sometimes. Granted, there is truth in the supposition that men are from one planet and women are from another. And also true is that each and every one of us humans are unique from one another. Coupled with our backgrounds and development as youngsters, even with similar ethic, cultural and spiritual upbringings, we all tend to view things differently.
Though I do tend to wonder about the state of my Aspie spouse’s brain.
Aspie Wife, Aspie Mom covers her view of an NT/Aspie relationship as comparable to roses and cacti:
Aspies do not understand that roses need rose food (emotional connection, tender loving care, appreciation, communication, time out for chatting complete with an emotional component, understanding, romance, etc.) Cactus food cannot nourish, or even sustain, a rose.
Aspies can only provide cactus food. When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain that it needs rose food, the cactus will not understand and may call the rose "selfish" and "ungrateful". In the desert, with a prickly cactus, is a scary place for a rose to be. The rose will be deprived of intimate emotional connection, communication and love. Home-making will become a nightmare, because the cactus in his desert environment has no need for all the finishing touches that a rose would consider essential in her rose garden.
Aspie Wife, Aspie Mom goes on to list a number of things she suggests to help the NT ‘rose’ to thrive. Some are challenges for her, some I personally have no troubles with.
So often I am left with the feeling that my hubby is living his life as a single man with a live-in housekeeper. He’s not unfaithful as such – he just doesn’t consider anyone other than himself.
So often he comes home from work, and the minute he steps through the front door he begins looking around to see what chores Kidlet or I have neglected. Never mind that the Hubster himself forgot to change out the propane tanks and I had no hot water all day to bathe or wash clothes or dishes. We won’t mention how many weeks he’s forgotten to take out the recycle bin or neglected to check the vital fluids in my car and the oil is down a couple of quarts. He seems hell bent on raging at us for even the tiniest thing.
Granted, I am home all day. Except for running Kidlet’s baseball bag up to him after school as it is too big to lug around all day. Or run to the post office, bank, grocery store, library or pharmacy for hubby. And then pickup Kidlet after practice. And take the dogs to the vet, or to the groomers. And then dash back home to take Kidlet to private baseball lessons. And....
You get the gist of it.
I just have to tend to my own gardening. I suppose my goal is to try to become a thornless rose that blooms endlessly. Just as long as I don’t reach a point where there is nothing left, I should be good, lol!


  1. Im trying to become one of those wild roses that grow between the rocks in the wilderness. Seemingly uncared for and surrounded by grey hardness, this one beautiful blessing from God having more beauty than all the cultured tended garden roses. Its takes so much strenth to survive but yet it does to bring beauty to the rocks.

    Im poetic this morning. Gosh i am with you on today's post. Vent away.

    1. Goodness me, poetic but what was up with my spelling. Honest, i wasnt drinking, just typing fast and not proofreading. Hope you are feeling better. Check out my latest post, im not. Ouch.

    2. lol - don't you hate it when you realize AFTER you hit send? and i will check out your post right now...

  2. Great to read your blog. I'm just beginning to travel the road you're travelling - recently discovered I'm married to an Aspergers partner and am blogging, mainly as an outlet for my frustrations and a way of ordering my muddled thoughts!
    Doing it from the other side of the pond - and there don't seem to be many NT partners of people with Asperger's on the web in the UK - so it's great to find you. And find that I relate to everything you're saying. Makes me feel like our relationship is 'normal' for an NT/Aspie relationship, which is oddly comforting!

    1. welcome to the crazy world of a 'different kind of normal'! and yes, we do find comfort in interesting things and places... lol

  3. It's important to understand that each Aspie is different. As is each NT. My father is definitely NT, yet he does the same thing you described "the minute he steps through the front door he begins looking around to see what chores...I have neglected."
    I have known several people with Aspergers, however, who were extremely warm, kind and gentle.

    1. absolutely! as my hubby participates regularly in an adult aspergers group, he (and i) realize how unique our situation is - many other adult aspies have trouble holding regular jobs, some have never married or didn't stay married, &/or prefer to live alone - some still live with their parents as dealing with the 'world' on their own has proven impossible - just as no two shoes can be exactly identical, no two people are either! (as long as i can buy more shoes to continue prove my point... lol)