Aaaahhh, the negativity we spout as we focus on being wronged instead of trying to fix what is wrong. I’ve heard it said that it’s more offensive to take offense than give offense.
I’ve heard that accusing others of giving offense is the best way to put the ‘offender’ on the defense. So I stay silent.
I am deeply wounded at the ‘truth’ as seen and pronounced by my spouse.
For now I am processing, thinking, contemplating.
I am still reeling.
We are all emotional beings. Humans. Fallible. Able to be blinded by feelings. Some of us less than others of us, as witnessed by the behavior of many Aspies.
Does the Aspergers Syndrome partner in our life mean to be hurtful? I honestly don’t know. I can’t read minds. I can’t ‘feel’ his emotions (or lack thereof).
Will he even remember tomorrow the cutting things he said yesterday?
Will he even remember tomorrow the cutting things he said yesterday?
Then there is a component of self-responsibility. I am fully cognizant that I have faults, that I am far from perfect. I am twenty years older than when we married, and have changed in so many ways; mentally, physically, emotionally, experience-wise and knowledge-wise. I have to acknowledge that I have made choices along this path, obviously not to my spouse’s liking.
Yet I am hurt that I was expected to stay the same as I was eighteen or twenty years ago.
My Aspie has changed in so many ways I can barely count them all. I’ve accepted much of it, though some of the developed habits he has taken on could be eliminated as they are purposeful choices on his part.
But no one is perfect, right?
Wrong, according to my husband. And furthermore, my changes are to blame for his actions towards me. He has to have done or do what he is doing. ‘Any man would’.
*Sigh*
The nice thing about hind-sight is that it becomes much easier to laugh about things.
For now, I need more coffee.
Thank you for sharing the hard stuff too. I love that you see the light side of so many situations, but sometimes it is just plain hard. But we can do hard things.
ReplyDeletelol (see? i CAN still laugh!) i just realized that 15-20 years ago i wouldn't have been able to see the light side - he is sooooo lucky to have me now...
DeleteHearing you loud and clear. Im often told "why cant you be like when i married you" - 20 years ago. I answer that i am now middle aged, with middle aged values and more experience doesnt seem to gel with my Aspie husband. His ability to be childlish is both a joy and a constant irritation. I sometimes long for an equal not someone im caring for or adjusting to. I wish i had their ability (both of them) to forget and forgive so quickly. Recently my son in a fit of anger (because i told him he could have his phone back when he went to his room - at almost 1 in the morning) lit matches over me while i was in bed. They were so close i felt the heat on my face and yet, the next day he asked me why i was sad. It makes them angry that i cant move on so quickly. Im in pain from their hurt but then they hurt me again for not getting over it. My new little pills are helping - im not so teary but im thinking of a tatoo on the inside of my wrist that says "Just Breathe". Anyway, i wanted to tell you that i started a blog. its not set up fully as i dont know how but ive posted two posts. I read them to my husband last night and he was very complimentary. I'm addicted to coffee - i need to be, as i cant drink, dont smoke and too much of a goodie two shoes to take illicit drugs. LOL.
ReplyDeleteawesome lynda! breathing & blogging - let me know when/how to access yours - i know my blog has been such a catharsis for me - thanks again for sharing...
DeleteI think if you just click on the LyndaD next to my picture then it should take you there. Its called Living In The Land of Oz. I havent finished set up as i dont know what to do.
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